It's been quite a while since I really post something. Well, I'm not in a really good condition and I was trying to get some time for studies. Didn't work much though, sadly.
I copied this from my other blog. It was posted on November 20th 2008.
Guess what. I didn't go online much from morning til now. You know why? Easy. NO MOOD. I didn't feel like logging on to blogger. Well, I did, but the next minute, I logged out and played solitaire. I don't have any idea on how to actually face whatever that's bugging me now. Okay, it's not a "whatever" exactly, because it matters a lot to me. UGGHH.
Back to the topic. This is what I thought of doing while being in the condition of "controlling myself".
1) I'm scared of being in a car [either driving or just being the passenger] when it's raining
heavily, especially with storms or lightning, either. I always think what if the car suddenly got uncontrolled and got into an accident? Sometimes, I kind of wish I got hurt in the accident. But I hope so much that anyone [
no matter who it is] that was in the car with me, is/are totally safe. I just want me to be the victim. But of course, I'm scared.
2) Being in a to-be collapsed building. You wouldn't know when it's coming..
3) In the car, going uphill or downhill. Like on the way to Genting Highlands. I could throw up anytime. I know, ewww disgusting, bla bla bla.
4) I actually develop fear of heights. But somehow I get over it easily. Only, I always imagine me falling down from there. Even at school, only from the 3rd floor, I imagine what if I were to jump off.
5) I'm scared of cockroaches. Well, not like those girls screaming type of scare. A scare that no one actually notice. I might seem like I don't care about the presence of cockroaches, but I usually imagine what if I touch them. It's kind of dirty. Maybe I'm not scared of them, but I really dislike them.
6) Okay, this one is a fear. Being humiliated. In front of people. Or like, getting last place at something. Embarrassed to be exact. Although it's just to only one person. Either you tell him/her your secret, you let out your tears to them or even if your being nice to them. I don't know why, but I just feel them. Oh oh, and also guilt. I'd always say sorry. And sometime I feel ashamed because I said sorry. Yes, I'm just weird. But hey, at least I know myself. I live with it, and I try to upgrade. The only thing that I'm sad about is, no one seems to notice. No one. I am worthless.
7) When I lost something. Anything. Anyone. I hate it when I get disappointed. Worse, I have to face them alone. All night thinking, pressuring myself, looking back at times, getting my pillow wet, imagining something better happens but at the same time making myself more hopeless. I've been facing them a lot. But I know it's worthless letting someone know. So what I do is act fine to people. My parents especially. I wish someone understands me. I wish the angels can let someone know I'm in need. I wish someone
does know I'm in need.
8) When my hopes are hopeless. Me being myself without any influence on anything, I still hope a lot. And I tend to think how to achieve it. Making me more hopeful. But when the idea doesn't work, suddenly I'm hopeless. I hate it. I hate my hopeless hopes.
9) I'm scared of street guys. Like the rempits or any pendatang asing from Indonesia or somewhere. Those menggatal ones, I feel like throwing them anything that's near me. My shoe would do. Oh, no, not my shoe. A plastic bottle would do. Or just scream.
10) Being attacked by animal. Actually, I don't mind being scratched by a cat or any animals. I just don't want to be attacked. Especially if dogs were chasing me. Bad memories.
11) Riding on motorcycles. Seriously, I WOULDN'T. If possible I don't want to let my loved ones to even TRY sitting on it. It's scaaryy.. I mean, what if suddenly you slipped. You see, when I was a kid, I fell down from it before. And I don't want it to happen again.
12) I'm scared of drowning. Me being an allegedly professional swimmer (haha) has taken scuba lessons before. We trained in this 4m deep pool, with of course high pressure to the body even if it's just 4m deep. I can hold breath til about 1min plus but sometimes I'm afraid, what if someone suddenly push my head inside the pool to drown me? Or what if I were to swim so deep into the water but I can't reach up in time? I always challenge myself in something (either for self satisfactory or an upgrade) and try to do the best but I never want to know my limit. Which leads to me being underwater too long and maybe can't reach up for air in time. Syaza, syaza....
13) Being eaten alive. Tigers, sharks and those sorts of carnivorous animals. Eaten or bitten, it still includes the act of sharp teeth. Ouch.
14) Knife. You know the blades of knives, sometimes I purposely put my finger there (testing the sharpness?) and
surprisingly suddenly cut myself. I think it happened three times this year. I can't remember. But when I hold the knife, I imagine, what if i slipped it and it got into my foot? Or I suddenly stabbed myself? Worse, what if I stabbed someone? It really scares me. I wouldn't want to allow anyone playing with knives. I'll make sure my house has this special place for knives and other cutlery so that the kids won't simply reach it.
15) Being alone at night. Even if there's another person or doesn't matter how many, I just always feel.. urmm..lonely. I need something to hold on. Pillow would do. Seriously, I can't sleep without holding something. I would even pull the blanket off me just to hold it.
I'm kind of running out of ideas. But I know there's a lot more.. I'll stop here first. Goodnight people.
Toodles.
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Yeah, that was the post.
